Can't Let You Go
by enragedpurple
Summary: I wrote this for a friend. This is a little fic about Yuki and Haru finally admitting the smutty love that they have going on within the show, and now I have simply expressed it. This does contain a short lemon.
1. Chapter 1

I let another cough escape my lips, trying my hardest to hide it. I didn't want him to worry, but I knew that he would catch it anyway. I saw him glance my way from across the room, concern in his eyes. I smiled sweetly to him but was interrupted by another cough. He comes over and says that maybe he should take me to Hatori. I blow him off, patting his black and white head gently. I tell him that it's fine, no big deal. He leans forward, both hands on my desk, saying my name sternly. Yuki, you can't let it go on like this. I glare to him slightly and tell him to let it go. He leans in and is mere inches away from me.

He says that he'll always protect me, so he can't let it go. I blink a few times, flustered for a moment. My purple eyes scan his as I try to read him somehow. Then, they scan the empty classroom behind us, watching for any sign of people. Without any thought, as if by instinct, I lean in and close the distance between us.

At first, I just gently press our lips together. Then, he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer and deeper into the kiss. It becomes a mash of tongue and a battle for dominance as I wrap my arms around his neck and knot my hands in his hair. He pulls away and whispers in my ear that now he has no other choice but to protect me. I smile and reply that I'll never let him go.

* * *

Tohru was a bundle of nerves as she had just found out that Prom was coming up and I didn't have a date. She knew about the prom, oh, of course she knew about the prom. She and that stupid Cat were going together. But, she had failed to think that the "prince" himself did not have a date. I told her not to worry, that I was just planning on going with friends anyway. Shigure picked then to chime in about spying on Kyo, the naughty kitty, and keeping an eye on his precious flower. Both Kyo and I smacked him on the back of the head for that remark.

I pulled Tohru into the other room, telling her to not worry about anything but her and Kyo. As much as I hated the fact that they were now a couple, I still wanted her to stop worrying about me and be happy. Plus, I told her I was going to go anyway, but just with friends. She stared at me with curiosity in her eyes, and for a second, I swore she knew I was lying. But then, she dropped the dirty dishes in the sink and flitted back out to Kyo and Shigure with a giant smile on her face.

I sighed and leaned against the counter, my thoughts now revolving around Haru. I didn't know how this was going to work, or how we would even get any time alone at the Prom. All I did know was that if the stupid fangirls decided to show up, I would have to sick Black Haru on them. All I really wanted was a chance to make this work and not have every pair of eyes staring at us. I just wanted to be alone with him, savor another moment like our first kiss.

_Our first kiss_. I placed my fingers lightly on my lips, remembering that moment oh-so-clearly. I wanted to see him, to make him mine once again. But that would just have to wait. We never got to see each other anyway, so why should it be different now?

Half-aware that I had moved to my room, I threw myself down onto my bed without thinking. A startled cry of pain had me lurching up to look to my bed with confusion. There, lying sprawled out in the sun, was Haru. He was now holding his middle as his face contorted in pain. I started to ramble how sorry I was as I moved to his side and rubbed his sore middle. He laughed and said it was no big deal, then shoving me against the wall. I gasped as his lips were suddenly attacking mine, too shocked for a moment to do anything. Then, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss.

I knew that Shigure, Kyo and Tohru were all downstairs, but I didn't care. I didn't care, I didn't care, I didn't care. All my world was right now was Haru. There was nothing else but his scent, his body, his warmth. There was nothing but him to intoxicate me.

I suddenly pulled away from the steamy kiss to bury my head in his shoulder as I coughed. I clutched his back, digging my nails into his flesh. His arms wrapped around me as he just held me and waited for it to pass. He whispered in my ear that I really should go see Hatori. I shook my head weakly, managing past some coughs that I was fine and it was nothing. I stopped when my body was wracked with another fit. Haru pulled me closer, telling me that it was no longer an option.

He scooped me up in his arms, much to my protest, and walked downstairs. The initial shock of why was Haru here died in their mouths when they saw me in his arms. Tohru asked what was wrong but got her answer when I started coughing again. Weakly, I laid my head n Haru's shoulder and buried my face in his neck. I felt like crap.

Shigure went to the phone, calling Hatori. Kyo got the car and helped Haru get me in. Haru sat beside me, laying me down so my head was in his lap. If it wasn't so obvious that I was in pain, I would have cherished the small romantic gesture. But then, the coughing started again and I barely remembered how to breathe.

We got to Hatori's, Haru helping me out. I had an arm around his neck as he half-walked me to the door. I leaned in on Haru, causing his grip around my waist to tighten. He whispered to me that he couldn't let me go. I whispered back that he wouldn't have to.

* * *

Maybe it was a dream, I couldn't tell. But the eagerness behind his movements and kisses suggested that it was real. It suggested that I was fine but the fear had buried too deep in his heart to stop this. I replied with just as much eagerness and need.

He knotted his hands in my hair as he kissed and sucked n my neck. I moaned in response, digging my nails into his back. I pulled his face to mine and kissed him, exploring his every cavern and tasting his every taste. I felt him smile against the kiss, and then the battle for dominance ensued. He won.

He pushed me against a nearby wall (I still had no idea where we were) and began to kiss down my chest. AS he went he unbuttoned and discarded my shirt, stopping when he reached my hips. I moved him then, pushing him so he was against a wall. I did the same, but when I got to his hips, I didn't stop. I pulled his pants off and kissed his inner thigh lightly. He moaned and knotted his hands in my hair.

He started to moan out incomprehensible words, but my name was in there sometimes. Those small noises made me lose control. The next thing I knew, I was on my back on the bed and both of us were completely naked. WE were both a mass of panting, wriggling and contorted limbs. With each thrust inside of me, I felt myself die with happiness and pleasure.

I clawed at his back and arched to get closer. He was panting and pulling me closer, matching my desperation.

We both exploded in a haze of stars and lust. The last thing I saw was his beautiful face.

* * *

You should have gotten him here earlier, Hatori scolds me the next morning. I didn't care. I didn't want to hear it. I was lost to the world and anything except Yuki. He was still on the bed, still barely breathing. He was hooked up to monitors and cords, beeping replacing his normally gorgeous breathing.

And you should have left him alone last night, Hatori scolds again. I retort that it was what Yuki wanted, and that we both knew there was no stopping him when he had a goal. Hatori sighs, patting me on the shoulder. I sigh, moving to get closer to Yuki.

I look down at his soft, violet features and nearly burst. He's so fragile and weak, so vulnerable. He looked absolutely heart breaking. I lean in and whisper his name, taking his pale hand in my own. Idly I remember the scratches that now decorate my back. I lean in a kiss his forehead, lingering there as my breath covers his face.

_I can't let you go, Yuki_.

* * *

Days had passed, _days, _and there was still no sign that he was getting any better. Hatori would check on him a few times a day, when he wasn't conscious. Even if he was, he couldn't tell one face from the other. Hatori said that this was something he didn't know how to fix, and that he would have to look into it. So, he resided to his library and bedroom, studying almost all day and all night. I silently thanked him for being so studious, but I knew that this was going to get worse before it got better. There was no way that any normal breathing problem could have caused something this great.

Today, I sat by his side, stroking his hair out of his face absently. His eyes were half open, revealing the fact that he was semi-conscious. I smiled and leaned in, gently kissing his forehead. I started to talk, just simply rambling about all the times we'd shared together. I was talking mostly about Black Haru and how he always seemed to snap me out of it. Then, I went on to start rambling about the night we shared together, how amazing it was for me. I didn't know if he could hear me, but somehow I wished he could. I wished he could know just how amazing he had made me feel, even if it wasn't as good for him. I wished he could know exactly how I felt about him.

Somehow I knew that this was going to get worse before it got better. _If_ it got better. I hated thinking about it like that, but with the way that even Hatori had to reside to the books had me concerned. As for me, I was probably just something useless in the way of Hatori's perfect recovery for Yuki. I was probably in the way, but a larger part of me didn't care then the part that did.

So what was going to happen? What was going to become of the poor rat?

* * *

My eyes fluttered open almost snail-like. I stared at the white canvas that was the ceiling for a long while, listening to the sounds that surrounded me. There was a beeping, then a ragged rasping. There was also the distinct sound of something flipping in the background, someone else's breathing to match the ragged sound. My eyes drifted closed for a second, blackness replacing the all-too-sudden white. I heard the rasping come to a shallow stop, felt my heart tug in my chest. I quickly opened my eyes, straining to focus on the ceiling again.

Someone whispers my name, and then his face fills my vision. I whisper his name back, but this time my voice barely has a chance to escape before the coughs start again. I lurch in the bed, my pale arms clenching up to attempt and cover the horrible sound. I choke as I feel something wet land on my hand. I pull back and see a startling red covering my pale hand.

He moves beside me, calling for someone else. I can't tell the difference between the whirling fantasy in my head or reality. It's all blurred into one and the same thing and I can't tell the startling red from the white any longer.

I stare at the boy - _man_ - next to me and weakly call out. I tell him just how much he means to me and just how gorgeous he really his. I weakly lift my hand to cup the back of his head, pulling him in with the little strength I have left. I whisper that I can't let him go, that this should have just been the beginning. I whisper that he shouldn't have had to see me like this, that I was really too stubborn for my own good.

Then, the world spins and I can no longer hold my arm up. I cough up, blood splattering onto my chest. Hatori pushes Haru away, his hands busily examining me and the machines. He is desperately trying to slow my erratic heartbeat and keep what precious blood I have in my system.

The last words I hear were both of them shouting my name.

* * *

The room is empty and red. There is nothing here for me to watch any longer. There is just… nothing. I can't look at him, not ever again. I can't look at his gorgeous face without thinking of the blood smeared over his chest. I can't look at him without thinking of the horrible wretches that lead to all of this. I can't look at him without breaking down in tears.

And I most certainly cannot let him go.


	2. Do You Expect Me To Move On?

The funeral was horrible. It was sad, depressing – everything that funerals were supposed to be. But that wasn't the bad part. The bad part was that it was Yuki I was watching be laid to rest. It was Yuki who would have tons of dirt piled upon his shining casket. And it was Yuki that would soon be replaced by the birth of another rat. It was Yuki who was disappearing, not someone I could shed a few tears about and forget.

This was the rat that had always been there for me, the rat that had wormed his way into my heart and was not refusing to let go. It was Yuki that I loved and it was Yuki that I had to let go of.

There was a small part of me that was oddly calm about this. That part was the part of me that was still numb. The other part of me was a mix of rage, depression and loss. I was angry that I couldn't save him and I was convinced that somehow this was all my fault. I was convinced that Yuki died because of me – that he was now being buried because of me.

I was depressed because I had lost the one that I loved. I was depressed because somehow they had torn my heart out, but yet I continued to live. I was Black because they had refused to try and save him – had said that he was gone and all they could do now was to give him a nice funeral. They had said that would be what he wanted. I disagreed.

And I was feeling lost because there was no way I would ever find my other half ever again. There was no way that I would ever feel whole – ever know joy like I had with him. I had lost my way, and now there was no way of getting back on the path. People said that I was to move on, that it was all okay, that I would find a way soon. I told them that if they thought that, then they did not know love.

So, I was dressed in black and standing at the side of the coffin, long after everyone had gone. I stared over the edge, looking into his pale face with dread clinging to my heart. Every ounce of me seemed to wallow in misery and want to melt into his arms, if only for a while.

A part of me noted that out of all his family, only Ayame showed up. His parents didn't even care; didn't think that it was important to show up to their son's funeral. They had only bothered to pay for it, and then they had left all the rest up to his friends and what little family who actually cared.

And now it was only me. I was the only one left standing by his side, watching his pale face for any sign that he would suddenly wake up and talk. That he would smile, look happy instead of eternally dreary and depressed. I silently waited for the moment when he would pull me down into the coffin with him, make me his in the small amount of space that was barely even padded.

I wanted to be with him forever. I wanted to make sure he knew that I would go to the pits of hell with him; although I had no doubt that he was going to heaven. I knew in my heart that he was an angel, not a servant of Satan.

Idly, I reached into the coffin and moved some of his silken grey hair off of his face. I watched for the blush that normally accompanied it, sorely disappointed when there was no reaction. And then I waited for his laugh to tell me that he had been joking, that he would blush for me no matter what.

I cupped his cheek with one hand, watching for any sign of life. Any sign that he would come back to me and be mine forever. I watched and waited, but somehow I knew that could never be true. I knew that the rat was forever dead, that there was no way I was close to getting him back. There was already a new rat; I could feel it in my soul. I knew that there was one out there determined to replace him – to make him but a memory in the grander scheme of things.

But there was no way I could ever let my Yuki – my rat – go. There was no way that this was ever going to a thing in the past – this was a chapter of my life that I could never close. I wanted to make sure that I always remembered him - that there was always a place for him in my mind.

I would never let him go.

* * *

Years had passed. They'd lowered him into the ground, made sure that I had the right meds to calm my Black side. They'd put me in an institute, for a while, before I finally managed to tell them that I was ready to go back into the real world and forget the man they so graciously buried under the ground. Mind you, I threw a lot more cuss words into the statement then that.

So, now I was back at the high school, haunted by all the places he had once been. I remembered the place that we had secretly shared our first kiss in – classroom 3b. I remembered the times we would hold hands in the hallway, walking with our backs turned to those who wanted to make snide comments. I remembered the time he had actually been boisterous enough to kiss me in front of the whole cafeteria, just to get his annoying fangirls off his back so that I wouldn't have to kill them.

And now, I was walking in his same steps. I made sure I got the position of Class President, and my every action was motivated by my missing rat. They had told me not too long ago that there was another rat born; this one was the one that would replace the fragile and girlish one that had buried not so long ago. I had to keep the tears from pricking my eyes, and I had simply said that I would welcome the new beast with warm arms. Of course, they didn't believe me and asked if I had been taking my meds lately. I lied; told them I had been.

So now, of course the day came when the rat was old enough to understand his surroundings. At the mere age of five, every other zodiac was ready to make a new shelter for him and make sure he had the right home. Akito even went as far to make sure that his hateful relationship did not fester again – he made sure this rat knew his place. I watched with silent eyes as he was passed from person to person, watched as his eyes sparkled with curiosity at each new animal he met. Some of them pulled a normal male or female into their arms, transforming just for him to let loose a laugh that none could resist.

I found that Ayame and I resisted plenty, both of us still dwelling on the rat that we knew and loved. We would exchange glances across the room from time, some seeming to say that we wanted out and we wanted out now. But then, the mother of the new play toy and insolent replacement dared to offer the boy to me. I smirked, shaking her offer off, then silence by the small pale hands that reached out for my own.

The small boy looked into my eyes and it was at that moment I realized just the color that they were. His silent and childish violet eyes stared up at me, and in that one single motion, I was seeing all that Yuki had been and always would be. He was kindness, graciousness, and everything that a proper man should hope to be. And now, Yuki was before me again, his bright violet eyes sparkling up at me in expectation of something greater then a shrug of the shoulder.

So, I took the small body in my hands and watched as his smile spread across his porcelain features. His eyes danced with entertainment and I watched with awe as he moved to clutch a handful of my mismatched hair. I inhaled sharply, and suddenly I knew what was to be expected of me with this child as I looked away from him and into the eyes of the all knowing God, head of the family, and the one person that could do whatever he pleased with me.

Those eyes said that I would love this child even if it killed me. They ordered me to pull the child closer, to make sure that no harm would ever come to such a lovely specimen. The hard, cold analytical eyes met mine in a silent command to draw the boy to my chest and whisper words of cute, adoring new child appreciation. And in that one gaze, I knew then that my heart would never be my own. It would forever be under the command of the God personified and the small boy that now rest his pale-haired head against my chest.

So, I handed the boy back to the mother, watching as her eyes sparkled with the new mother glow. I walked briskly from the room, feeling the tears threatening to well up in my throat and then crawl their way to my eyes. I barely made it to the hallway outside the room before everything broke down. All the walls so carefully constructed around my emotions shattered and threw spikes painfully into my lungs.

Yuki was forgotten, and there was never to be another man just like him. He was six feet under, his body slowly decaying and attracting the unwanted company of maggots and many-legged creepers. There was no way that the confines of his pristine coffin would last forever, and there wasn't even a guarantee that his outstanding beauty would last forever in either my mind or the lasting imprint of the Earth.

Yuki was forgotten, he was no more.

He was forgotten.

But I just couldn't let him go.

_I can't let him go. _


End file.
